Sandra Bernhard is terribly miscast in this five hundredth derivation of `Alien’. Whining and sneering her way through this movie, she sounds ridiculously unconvincing spouting the technical mumbo-jumbo necessary for science fiction films. She aint no Sigourney Weaver, that’s for sure. How someone so marvelous in something like `Roseanne’ can be such a bad actor in films like this and `Hudson Hawk’ is one of the mysteries of life.<\/p>\n
This film has the production values of a high-school play: cheap-looking sets, bad lighting, and clumsy-looking props. The spacesuits look like second-rate rejects from Joe’s Army Surplus. When Sandra comes back into the ship after a spacewalk, she flips the visor lid up, and there’s no seal around it! The flimsy visor looks like it was made from a clear plastic pie-cover from Safeway. There are no special effects, unless you call an exterior shot of the spaceship a special effect. They couldn’t even spring for some fancy flashing lights or decent music; tapping military-style drumbeats punctuate some of the scenes, while someone practicing a bass fiddle provides the rest of the music.<\/p>\n
Typical of bad films, during the shootout scenes, many many shots are fired in all directions, but it is only coincidental that anyone gets hit, even at point-blank range. Is it wise to fire a gun onboard a spaceship while you’re surrounded by all kinds of machinery that is keeping you alive?<\/p>\n
Most of the film consists of close-ups of people standing around talking or arguing while sepia-colored walls float in the background. I’m convinced that the dialogue was written by a thirteen-year-old boy after watching video games for eighteen hours straight: `she belongs to me’, `it’s stuck in a loop!’, `you don’t drink martinis!’, and so forth. You get the idea.<\/p>\n
As if that isn’t bad enough, a videotaped Laura San Giacomo rocks back and forth spouting Shakespeare. Good thing she had `Just Shoot Me’ to fall back on.<\/p>\n
The only way to describe the quality of this film is that this is the kind of movie they show on Saturday afternoons when the football game is pre-empted. The television station figures `what the hell, there’s no one watching anyway.’ It’s either that, or an infomercial.