{"id":3207,"date":"2012-06-12T14:18:58","date_gmt":"2012-06-12T20:18:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/?p=3207"},"modified":"2012-06-12T14:18:59","modified_gmt":"2012-06-12T20:18:59","slug":"wounds-of-excess","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.bmovienation.com\/?p=3207","title":{"rendered":"Wounds of Excess"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Cinematic regret. We\u2019ve all had it. It\u2019s that awful feeling awash of a truly heinous movie-going experience\u201490 minutes of wasted life. The more you think about it, the more angry you get\u2014not at the movie, but at yourself for being stupid enough to be roped into seeing something that anyone with an ounce of common sense should have known would be terrible. Last week, said phenomenon came from the locally filmed and truly terrible \u201cPiranha 3DD.\u201d
\nI don\u2019t completely regret seeing \u201cPiranha 3DD,\u201d mainly because being awful seemed less of an accident and more of a destination. It\u2019s a film that wears its horrible pedigree across its scantily clad and\/or exposed bosom with a kind of dullard\u2019s pride\u2014like the student who celebrates a D-minus after thinking he failed his midterm. Trust me when I say: \u201cPiranha 3DD\u201d is nothing to celebrate. David Hasselhoff sums it up rather ironically with the line \u201cwelcome to rock bottom.\u201d David, rock bottom called and is threatening legal action over slandering its reputation.<\/p>\n

The movie focuses on a water park called \u201cThe Big Wet\u201d (a.k.a. Jungle Rapids), which is being renovated to include an adult section where the lifeguards have been replaced with strippers and the party doesn\u2019t stop. This doesn\u2019t sit well with Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) who has to watch on as her money-grubbing stepfather Chet (David Koechner) turns the family-friendly destination into a chlorine-fueled orgy.<\/p>\n

Maddy runs into some old friends and provides the film with a bunch of really good looking people to be horribly murdered by the mutant piranha that begins to terrorize their town. Every character is right out of the B-movie handbook. There\u2019s Kyle (Chris Zylka), Maddy\u2019s old boyfriend and graduate of the Derek Zoolander School for Modeling; the nerdy Barry (Matt Bush), who pines for Maddy and is conveniently a marine biologist; and a few super-hot girls who exist for no other purpose than to provide erections and die.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a few good moments in \u201cPiranha 3DD,\u201d mostly provided by a self-loathing Hasselhoff. His limited screentime is pretty damn funny, and it\u2019s amazing that it is limited since director John Gulager (\u201cFeast\u201d) seems almost incapable of knowing when less is more. \u201cPiranha 3DD\u201d is an exercise in excess. Again, I am not surprised. That was the goal of \u201cPiranha 3DD.\u201d But goals are funny things: Just because you set out to do something doesn\u2019t mean you should.<\/p>\n

For example, I could set a goal to go to a retirement community and pull the fire alarm. Then, I could run down the halls screaming \u201cWe\u2019re all going to die!\u201d Then, I could wrap chains around the doors so that no one gets out and watch as panic sets in. It doesn\u2019t even seem that difficult. All I\u2019d need is a retirement community, several feet of chain and a complete lack of moral righteousness. Much like \u201cPiranha 3DD,\u201d this is a goal that does not warrant achievement.<\/p>\n

In his reckless abandon, Gulager has created a piece of shiny garbage that seems almost desperate to make audience\u2019s laugh or gross them out. While desperation can produce the occasional miracle, more often than not it leads to awkward silence\u2014moments like watching a fish swim into a hot girl\u2019s vagina or watching that fish bite a guy\u2019s dick mid-coitus before the guy runs all over, freaking out, trying to figure out how to remove a mutated killer fish from his penis. It\u2019s ridiculous and gross. Folks will either nervously laugh or just sit there in puzzlement, trying to figure out just why they\u2019re watching this unfold. \u201cPiranha 3DD\u201d contains a hundred of those moments.<\/p>\n

I expect there will be cries from B-movie junkies, \u201cYou just don\u2019t get it, man.\u201d Trust me, I get it. I just didn\u2019t like what I got.<\/p>\n

What is interesting about \u201cPiranha 3DD\u201d is the new release model being employed as more and more films are seeing limited theatrical releases with simultaneous availability via OnDemand. I don\u2019t know how much more or less I would have liked the movie had I seen it at one of the 70 theaters that screened it. At home, on my television, not having to deal with $10 tickets and overpriced snacks, it didn\u2019t feel as painful. There are movies I have to see on the big screen, like \u201cThe Avengers\u201d and the forthcoming \u201cThe Dark Knight Rises.\u201d For the smaller movies that can\u2019t compete in a $200 million budget marketplace, limited releases and On Demand is the future. Hopefully, it also will contain more tolerable flicks than \u201cPiranha 3DD.\u201d
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