It seems that Hollywood\u2019s glut of remaking classic movies is over. They\u2019re now deigning to tackle movies that weren\u2019t very good in the first place, as John Milius\u2019 propaganda cheese-fest Red Dawn gets the makeover treatment this week.<\/p>\n
Filmed around three years ago but left to rot in a studio vault until Chris Hemsworth became famous as an Avenger, Red Dawn is the most crass Hollywood production in recent memory. Furthermore, in order to gain access to China\u2019s massive movie market, the film\u2019s antagonists were changed from Chinese to North Korean \u2013 as opposed to the original film\u2019s Soviet Union \u2013 in post-production.<\/p>\n
As an opening montage sequence demonstrates, this is a film desperately trying to cobble together a front of topicality; clips of famous political figures discussing the financial crisis and Kim Jong-un\u2019s ascent to power are however too somber in tone, making this take feel more like a grimly self-serious propaganda piece rather than a gung-ho slice of curious if largely disposable entertainment like the (somewhat) more perceptive original.<\/p>\n
Yes, the Wolverines \u2013 the revolutionary resistance group from the original film \u2013 return for this update, this time led by two members of the local football team, Jed (Hemsworth) and his brother Matt (a ludicrously miscast Josh Peck).<\/p>\n
Along the way, they band up with a pair of agency-free hotties (Adrianne Palicki and Isabelle Lucas) as well as the local nerd (Josh Hutcherson) among others too bland to remember. When North Korea invades without any agenda to speak of, the kids must band together to save both their friends and their country \u2013 no, their home, don\u2019cha know? \u2013 against the odds.<\/p>\n
To its very minor credit, first-time director Dan Bradley\u2019s Red Dawn is every bit the cheesy B-movie the original was, so with its awful visual style \u2013 a result of bargain basement visual effects and disorientating handheld cinematography \u2013 and cringe-inducing training montages, it is resolutely faithful to the original. Though Bradley serves up the occasional sliver of mildly amusing action, it mostly comes in fits and starts, rendered largely forgettable by the totally anonymous direction.<\/p>\n
Outside of the gunfights, it\u2019s all low-energy drama with far too much talking and spying that\u2019s impossible to care about. Characters act without a scrap of believability, being perfectly composed seconds after seeing their loved ones get blown away, before quickly turning into ruthless killing machines. Plus, it never convinces for a moment that this invasion would plausibly occur, perhaps the biggest obstacle of all.<\/p>\n
This would all be fine if the new Red Dawn had even remote aspirations towards camp; it\u2019s instead totally po-faced as the actors struggle to delivers lines like \u201cWe\u2019re living Call of Duty, and it totally sucks\u201d with a straight face.<\/p>\n
Get ready to guffaw when the most egregious product placement this side of an Adam Sandler film abounds once the Wolverines take shelter inside a Subway restaurant, which still happens to be open despite war having broken out. Josh Hutcherson addresses a server as a \u201cSandwich Artist\u2122\u201d before reminding the audience of every type of bread you can order at the establishment.<\/p>\n
It all builds to a woefully jingoistic campfire rally that would make the NRA proud, ahead of the final showdown to steal a technological Macguffin that can turn the tide of the war, yet only happens to be guarded by around 20 inept North Korean soldiers. Though there\u2019s plenty of whizz-bang action at the tail-end, almost all of it is haphazardly edited and therefore a chore to sit through. While it delivers one sure surprise at the climax, by that point it doesn\u2019t really matter; we\u2019re past caring.<\/p>\n
Hollywood\u2019s cynicism knows no bounds. They\u2019re now remaking bad movies too. If you absolutely have to watch Red Dawn, stick with the original.<\/p>\n
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