Judging from the offerings on most major networks this week, you\u2019d think they stopped making Christmas specials decades ago. We still rely heavily on \u201cIt\u2019s a Wonderful Life,\u201d \u201cMiracle on 34th Street,\u201d \u201cA Christmas Story\u201d and of course everyone\u2019s favorite pint-sized depressive, Charlie Brown, to get our holiday spirit fix.<\/p>\n
But it need not be so! Just flip over to the Hallmark Channel, which is having a banner ratings season with its nonstop cavalcade of original movies starring actors whose careers you\u2019ve been vaguely wondering about. The \u201cwhatever happened to\u201d game has never been so much fun.<\/p>\n
Take \u201cFinding Christmas,\u201d (8 p.m. Tuesday, 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday) where you\u2019ll find Tricia Helfer, last seen as a sultry cyborg in \u201cBattlestar Galactica.\u201d Or a double feature with \u201980s icon Steve Guttenberg and Crystal \u201cWings\u201d Bernard, \u201cSingle Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus\u201d and its sequel, \u201cMeet the Santas\u201d (4 and 6 p.m. Tuesday).<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Santa Switch\u201d (7:30 a.m. on Wednesday) sees Sean Astin, late of \u201cLord of the Rings,\u201d as Santa\u2019s suit and specs-wearing elf, bringing the spirit of the season to a recalcitrant department store Claus.
\nModal Trigger<\/p>\n
Haylie Duff in \u201cHats Off To Christmas!\u201dPhoto: Hallmark<\/p>\n
Former tween star Haylie Duff is the star of \u201cHats Off to Christmas,\u201d (10 p.m. Tuesday, 9 a.m. Wednesday) playing \u2014 what else? \u2014 a busy single mom who falls for her boss\u2019 son, eventually learning that love trumps business.<\/p>\n
This is one of the major themes of the Hallmark Channel, where every story \u2014 including the non-Christmas ones \u2014 seems to revolve around finding (or reuniting with) a husband or a wife. But mostly a husband. Gender-wise, this stuff plays like Nicholas Sparks fare \u2014 only with even less subtlety. It is indisputably lady-oriented.<\/p>\n
It is Lifetime minus the edge.<\/p>\n
My friends and I like to watch in the same way the geeks of \u201cMystery Science Theater 3000\u201d showcased science fiction B-movies. Scrappy production values are an especially rich vein of humor, as is the sheer caliber of acting. You can\u2019t beat a Hallmark movie for bland, white-bread good looks combined with a total inability to convey emotion (hat tip, Botox). If you didn\u2019t know better, you might think you were in the first few minutes of an adult film, the part people fast-forward through.<\/p>\n
But this is how life goes in Hallmark land, where conversation is conducted exclusively in cliches and there\u2019s no such thing as an unhappy ending. (Rather creepily, there\u2019s also no such thing as Jews. Or gays. Or atheists. Or, with incredibly rare exceptions, minorities. But I digress.)<\/p>\n
Ultimately, it\u2019s the go-to for watching people you used to like in something else acting in the television equivalent of small-town Christian community theater. It feels weirdly intimate, as if you have discovered a dirty little secret. My theory is that actors take these gigs after being assured by their agents that nobody watches the Hallmark channel.<\/p>\n
But surprise! Ratings are through the roof. (Hallmark boasted the #1 movie of the week for seven weeks in a row this season, averaging nearly 4 million viewers.)<\/p>\n
The jig is up, Edward Hermann and Olympia Dukakis and probable 2013 Oscar nominee Bruce Dern. We see you and your terrible Christmas sweaters. And we\u2019re eating it up like Whos digging into a roast beast.