The Tribeca Film Festival starts this week, and the downtown movie-thon is one of my favorite goings-on in New York City. So, in honor of watching movies instead of watching the stock market, I\u2019m going to play a game that I started last year.<\/p>\n
Which of the following 10 movies are real and which ones did I make up?<\/p>\n
1. \u201cThe Search for General Tso.\u201d Who hasn\u2019t ordered General Tso\u2019s chicken at one of the 50,000 Chinese restaurants in the US? This documentary charts the history of Chinese-Americans through the surprisingly popular dish and answers the question: Who was General Tso and why the hell was he cooking so much chicken?<\/p>\n
2. \u201cBig Boobs.\u201d The true story of how the Democrats and Republicans finally put their differences aside and came together in 2012 to take America off the fiscal cliff. This film will also answer the question: Why was Congress ordering General Tso\u2019s chicken while it negotiated?<\/p>\n
3. \u201cSpitfire.\u201d The heartwarming story of how the citizens of a small town came together in 1976 to put out a raging wildfire by using their own spittle and other bodily fluids. Gatorade \u2014 blue and red \u2014 plays the lead role in this colorful docudrama, as the citizens of \u2014 where else? \u2014 Peoria fill their bladders and then unload.<\/p>\n
4. \u201cCompared to What: The Improbable Journey of Barney Frank.\u201d This is a rare and intimate peek into the life of Frank, the quick-witted, cantankerous and first openly gay congressman in the US.<\/p>\n
On the verge of his retirement when filmed, Frank reflects on his 40 years in office and the role his own homosexuality played in his campaigns for social justice.<\/p>\n
5. \u201cCompared to Barney Frank: The Probability That Boo-Hoo John Boehner Will Cry Again.\u201d This is a rare and intimate peek into the life of Boehner, the sensitive, quick-to-tear-up and fragile leader of the House. This film will be part of a double feature with \u201cCompared to Them I Deserve a Movie, Too: The Story of a Jealous Nancy Pelosi.\u201d<\/p>\n
6. \u201cX\/Y.\u201d This character-driven drama centers around four restless New Yorkers and their shifting sexual and romantic relationships. As Mark, Jen, Sylvia and Jake navigate through their emotionally arrested states, \u201cX\/Y\u201d reveals the honest and wanton desire we all have to connect with someone and what is at stake when that connection fades.<\/p>\n
7. \u201cYou Can Stink at Sex.\u201d The story of a Manhattan filled with young men and women suffering from AD\/DD \u2014 Attention Deficit\/Dating Disorder. The symptoms? No one can concentrate long enough on developing a healthy relationship because there are better things to do than pursue sex.<\/p>\n
8. \u201cMurder of a Cat.\u201d Someone kills a cat and, as you might expect, there\u2019s a lot more to it. The scene is a small town that isn\u2019t accustomed to murders of any kind and would prefer to have its kitties left alone.<\/p>\n
The good thing about this film is that every cat has eight sequels.<\/p>\n
9. \u201cOh Please, God, Don\u2019t Let Me Hear Another Word About the Economic Recovery.\u201d In this animated short, a financial columnist issues a fine to anyone on TV who dares to use the phrases \u201ceconomic recovery,\u201d \u201cdead-cat bounce,\u201d \u201cbuying opportunity\u201d and other favorite Wall Street clich\u00e9s \u2014 unless granted SEC permission.<\/p>\n
When the fines ultimately add up to $1 million, the journalist uses the money for some of his therapy.<\/p>\n
10. \u201cZombeavers.\u201d You know the story: Sexy teens head to a secluded lakeside cabin for a weekend of debauched fun, only to be menaced by a mysterious force picking them off one by one.<\/p>\n
But here, the culprit proves to be a horde of rabid zombie beavers! The B-movie creature feature is making a comeback. This will soon be followed by \u201cZomMoms,\u201d \u201cZomcats\u201d and \u201cZomdogs.\u201d<\/p>\n
In case I didn\u2019t make it obvious enough, the fake movies \u2014 or, I should say, the ones I haven\u2019t funded yet \u2014 are 2, 3, 5, 7 and 9. No. 10, \u201cZombeavers,\u201d is real, but I made up the sequels. I may make \u201cZomMoms\u201d myself, but I have to see if my mother will cooperate.<\/p>\n
Anyway, go see a movie at the Tribeca Festival and make a lot of desperate actors happy.<\/p>\n
Remember, if you don\u2019t help them keep their jobs now, you\u2019ll be paying for their unemployment benefits later.