I am just lucky there were only about four people besides me and my friends – this movie kept me laughing so hysterically (with those startled whoops that are so embarrassing later) that I am surprised someone didn’t try to stick a spoon in my mouth or offer me a Valium.<\/p>\n
The premise – Gabriel Snow is a man with a phobia of Santa Claus, but who works for “The Xmas Files” a tabloid devoted to all things weird about the holidays. He discovers his wife Noelle is cheating on him with a mall Santa (since GABE obviously won’t wear the beard for her) on the same night that he finds himself hunted by an evil vampiric Santa and a bunch of creepy elves (who look like a cross between Gollum and Catwoman – ugly creeps in stitched together leather).<\/p>\n
They seek help of a … Well, an African American gunslinger type who lives in a trailer and wears an Australian duster and sixguns. Um. Later, these combat nuns with a vow of silence (and, presumably a vow of violence) show up, calling themselves the Silent Knights.<\/p>\n
And the movie ends with a Santa on Santa martial arts scene like none ever seen before. Can you even picture a guy in full Santa gear doing the classic karate kid crane pose? If it weren’t for the hilarious dialog, the movie would be just another cheesy horror movie take-off, and if it weren’t for the perfect actors, it would have been just another “hey look my friends can recite lines!” film.<\/p>\n
Surprisingly, it has all the right elements in the right places. The dialog and sight gags continually catch you off guard and crack you up, and the actors – Gabriel, with incredible facial mobility and a complete lack of any vestige of macho; Noelle with more balls then hang on her Christmas tree; and Pete the gunslinger with his gritty revelations about the true meaning of Xmas, but who can still naively exclaim “What? Wrassling is fake?”<\/p>\n
And – god help us all – there’s this awesome and awful flashback sequence done in the style of cheap Christmas cartoons, complete with flaming corpses and bloody spatter.<\/p>\n
You just have to see it. And watch through the credits. Trust me.