There is a real movie called \u201cSanta Claus Conquers the Martians.\u201d Just let that sink in for a minute. In 1964, adults with careers used real money and real effort (well, real money anyway) to make a movie called \u201cSanta Claus Conquers the Martians.\u201d<\/p>\n
Regrettably, Santa conquers the Martians with joy and laughter instead of tactical brilliance or superior weaponry. The story follows Santa as he is kidnapped by Martians who look suspiciously like humans and coincidentally speak a language that sounds exactly like English.<\/p>\n
A Martian elder guru with a hilarious beard informs some Martian council that their youth are losing direction in life because Martian society is too rigid and curmudgeonly, so naturally, the Martian council decides to kidnap Santa Claus to fix the problem. They also kidnap a boy and girl because \u2026 I guess the movie needed something cute.<\/p>\n
Of course, the movie also needs conflict, so a burly, mustachioed Martian named Voldar (a lot of the Martians\u2019 names sound like medications) decides that the whole joy and happiness thing is corrupting Martian society and tries to un-kidnap Santa and send him back to Earth. <\/p>\n
Alas, his plan fails and he unwittingly un-kidnaps the Martian goofball named Dropo. Because he\u2019s such a goofball, Dropo was wearing the spare red suit (and spare beard, apparently) that Santa received as a goodwill present from the Martians\u2019 mother figure Momar (not to be confused with the late Libyan dictator). <\/p>\n
Despite the fake Santa\u2019s green skin, antennae and Martian helmet, Voldar is somehow fooled. Hijinks ensue, Voldar is defeated by four kids armed with soap bubbles and there\u2019s a happy ending.<\/p>\n
The appeal of \u201cSanta Claus Conquers the Martians\u201d is in the lack of production quality. The script is hilariously corny, the actors don\u2019t seem aware that they\u2019re in a movie called \u201cSanta Claus Conquers the Martians\u201d and the cheesy ray gun props are never even used.<\/p>\n
The costumes also strike me as particularly bad. The Martians wear tight jumpsuits with badges and ridiculous helmets made of hoses and coat hangers, and their green makeup is inconsistently applied at best. Torg the Robot is very clearly a man in a cardboard box with a bucket on his head. Worst of all is the man in the polar bear suit. I can\u2019t earnestly refer to it as a polar bear.<\/p>\n
The movie also has a very \u201cunique\u201d Santa. His mannerisms were probably intended to be whimsical, but they come across more like drunkenness or senility. Santa\u2019s jolly laugh often sounds unintentionally evil, and his jokes are more bizarre than funny.<\/p>\n
Santa is shown to be missing a few marbles early on when he lists Nixon among his reindeer, which seems even funnier when you realize that this was made eight years before Watergate. Soon, the poor old man\u2019s dementia advances to the point that he chuckles heartily at attempts on his life and tells a joke with the punchline \u201cMartianmallow.\u201d<\/p>\n
In case you hadn\u2019t gathered already, \u201cSanta Claus Conquers the Martians\u201d is terrible. It\u2019s so terrible, in fact, that\u2019s it highly enjoyable. <\/p>\n
Like many great terrible movies, it was picked up for an episode of the \u201990s cult classic series \u201cMystery Science Theater 3000\u2033 and brought into the limelight of bad movie stardom. Show host Joel and his \u2018bots gave it one of their best commentaries to date, and the episode also saw the introduction of that greatest of all Christmas carols, \u201cLet\u2019s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite the show\u2019s usual copyright troubles, that episode has been released on DVD paired with the similarly infamous \u201cManos: The Hands of Fate.\u201d The \u201cMystery Science Theater\u201d riff is classic, and it\u2019s definitely worth a look if you can find it. <\/p>\n
If not, \u201cSanta Claus Conquers the Martians\u201d has been released by itself on DVD and Blu-ray, and it\u2019s currently available on Hulu. If you\u2019re looking for offbeat Christmas joy, grab a few friends to heckle this piece of work, simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst Christmas movies of all time.