It\u2019s here. Like the unstoppable turn of the cosmos, Shark Week is upon us once more. It\u2019s a time to reflect, to forget our troubles, come together, and gleefully freak out about sharks like a bunch of 3-year-olds at SeaWorld (assuming the sharks don\u2019t, y\u2019know, wig out and eat a trainer in front of a sold-out crowd).<\/p>\n
Personally, I\u2019ve never been a huge fan of Shark Week, not because I don\u2019t think sharks are cool (they are), but because it takes away from so many other, possibly more deserving predators (Helloooo, Cassoweek!). They\u2019re not even that deadly, really, when compared to some of history’s more prolific killers. Rats and fleas helped wipe out most of Europe in the 14th century. People forget that.<\/p>\n
However, I DO like bad movies, and if there\u2019s one upside to Shark Week, it\u2019s that the Internet is emptying its arcane vaults of every shark-themed SyFy Original Feature and B-movie disasterpiece it can find with its grubby stub hands, from Super Shark to Swamp Shark and beyond. So, join me on the proverbial couch as we sift through these 10 pun-a-licious gems and search for the true meaning of this mass psychosis known as Shark Week.<\/p>\n
Sharknado (2013)<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s get this one out of the way, since Sharknado basically ate the Internet a few weeks ago and is probably still lodged in most people\u2019s brains. Supposedly, this is a movie about sharks, plucked from the ocean by a tornado, and hurled at innocent civilians. Fine. But from what I can tell, Ian Ziering plays a bartender named Fin Shepard, who, through a series of bizarre natural disasters, is able to find himself and become a leader in the community. It\u2019s actually more like the story of Passover than people give it credit for.<\/p>\n
Sand Sharks (2011)<\/p>\n
\u201cJust When You Though You Were Safe Out of the Water.\u201d Oof. That\u2019s a mouthful. Elevate your game, Mr. Tagline. This is basically Jaws-meets-Tremors, and I absolutely LOVE Tremors, even though that was just Dune without David Lynch and Sting in a plastic speedo. Unfortunately, this looks nowhere near as good as that Kevin Bacon masterpiece. Sand Sharks does push boundaries, and by that I mean it extends the range of the sharks about 15 feet up onto the beach, but wouldn\u2019t that have happened at high tide anyway? \u201cIt\u2019s a pre-historic sand tiger shark,\u201d says a woman who looks and sounds much more like a scientist than me. \u201cA predator that has evolved to wear sand like a coat and travel through it like water.\u201d Ah, but can they breathe sand as well? PLOT HOLE! It\u2019s worth noting that I\u2019m not a scientist.<\/p>\n
2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)<\/p>\n
Admittedly, there really ARE two-headed animals in the world, so already, this film\u2019s dedication to scientific accuracy has me excited. In this hard sci-fi epic, a boat full of attractive college students on a semester-at-sea (is that even a thing?) are hanging out on a tiny island (learning?) when they come under attack from a shark with TWO HEADS. I haven\u2019t seen the whole movie yet, but I\u2019d say their chances of survival are slim given the quality of leadership on this trip. \u201cSpread out, but stay in this area\u201d? Get it together, professor. As an added bonus, the producers of 2HSA (#2HSA. Make it happen.) saw fit to include not one or two, but three quasi-celebrities: Carmen Electra (once famous), Brooke Hogan ( formerly pseudo-famous-ish), and Charlie O\u2019Connell from Sliders! That\u2019s called \u201cpedigree.\u201d Respect it.<\/p>\n
Super Shark (2011)<\/p>\n
OK, this one is just lazy. I mean adding a second head took some creative effort. Super Shark is, sadly, just a really big shark. That\u2019s the best you guys can do? Meh. What\u2019s that? Bullets bounce off it? It can waddle a little on land? John Schneider\u2019s face just about sums this one up. I\u2019d award a few more points for the inclusion of a walking tank but that thing looks like a 2-year-old not only came up with the design for it but also did the animation and fight choreography. Outside does not endorse child labor.<\/p>\n
Sharktopus (2011)<\/p>\n
This thing is the Titanic of terrible shark movies. Not only did the producers of Sharktopus shell out enough money to get Eric \u201cJulia\u2019s Brother\u201d Roberts, they actually commissioned an original song to color their modern epic. A secret military experiment gone wrong? That\u2019s a plot with balls. B-movie fans will agree that the creature itself is half the battle. Maybe even the whole war. At the very least, it\u2019s the Gettysburg of the battles when you\u2019re making a crap movie and the Sharktopus is the Union Army and then some. It\u2019s got spark and wiggle. Go home, Super Shark. You\u2019re done here.<\/p>\n
Swamp Shark (2011)<\/p>\n
Before you get too excited about Wade Boggs being in this movie, just remember that his IMDB bio introduces him as \u201cFive-time American League batting champion Wade Boggs,\u201d so you know he\u2019s still leaning on that pretty hard. Moving on. What have we got here? From the looks of it, we have a shark swimming around killing people. Does this one do anything cool? According to Worried Man In Hat, \u201cthis isn\u2019t a normal shark.\u201d Oh? \u201cIt swims, it kills, and it\u2019s out there!\u201d I think he’s mixing up sharks with something else. On the surface, the best thing Swamp Shark has going for it is the shift from beaches to bayou. But remember when the producers of Friends moved Joey to L.A.? That, too, was terrible.<\/p>\n
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)<\/p>\n
This movie came out all the way back in 2009, which is positively ancient by crappy meme-based shark-movie standards. MSvGO even spawned a sequel, Mega Shark vs. Crocasaurus. These roots run deep. If MSvGO illustrates one thing about the shark genre, it\u2019s how little it\u2019s changed over the past four years. Big CGI shark thing eats things while washed up actors, in this case Lorenzo Lamas from Renegade, scream in front of a green screen. There\u2019s a slight twist here in that the shark is locked in an eternal battle with a giant octopus. I\u2019m starting to feel terribly depressed.<\/p>\n
Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)<\/p>\n
How did we ever get here? Before we even get into how dated this was, even a year ago; Joey Fatone what are you doing?!?! Sure, Backstreet was musically superior, but you can still do better than this. Moving on. In a Jersey Shore\/Jaws mash-up, it\u2019s somehow the former that comes out feeling like the more tired reference. I guess if you were one of those purse-clutching alarmists who thought that the sudden rise of Jersey Shore four years ago was a sign of our impending social collapse, you might enjoy watching heavily-gelled beach bums get snatched up like so much popcorn. The rest of us can only stare up slack-jawed at the starry as a coifed guido screams the classic line, \u201cI hate sharks,\u201d down the barrel of an assault rifle. If you don\u2019t believe in God, this movie won\u2019t change that.<\/p>\n
Jurassic Shark (2012)<\/p>\n
Oof. I take back everything I said about Super Shark. This is so low budget it verges on performance art. The most famous person in this movie is the Jurassic Park reference, and they didn\u2019t even stick in anything about cloning. It\u2019s just a prehistoric shark who green-screens people to death. \u201cWe drilled too deep,\u201d shudders one bloodied character. I know exactly how he feels.<\/p>\n
Shark in Venice (2008)<\/p>\n
Yes! Just when I was ready to swallow my keyboard, Stephen Baldwin stumbles back into our earthly dimension with Shark in Venice. I\u2019ve watched the trailer 14 times and I still can\u2019t tell what this movie is about. Is it about a shark terrorizing an idyllic Italian tourist trap? Or is it a film treatment of a forgotten Dan Brown novel? I\u2019m pretty sure the villain mentions the Medici family a few times. Or he could be saying \u201cHelp me.\u201d So many questions. So many Stephen Balwdin faces. If you watch one movie this Shark Week, make it Shark in Venice. This is what Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could have been.