Those who thought Leslie Nielsen was born with white hair and a silly expression are wrong. Sceptics will say that it is theologically impossible, but we have here incontrovertible proof in Nielsen’s case of Life before Birth. (Of course, connoisseurs will have known all along that he appeared in 1956 in ‘Forbidden Planet’, with Walter Pidgeon, and even began acting as long ago as 1950, but that is our little secret.) The idea of Leslie Nielsen as a young leading man, as he is here, in an attempt at a spy thriller, seems too incredible. His comic talents are already emerging and he just cannot help himself, he sends up the script time and again. This film is so silly and so kitsch that it epitomises everything that was wrong with Britain in 1964. Whoever imagined for a moment that the Israeli actress Alizia Gur could conceivably be a sensuous female lead? Whatever charms she may have had (and the women in this film mostly thrust forward their busts by way of self-assertion, but it does not work very well), they are well-concealed by the hideous head band and beehive hairdo popular at that time, which were guaranteed to make any woman totally unattractive, and in this case succeeded entirely. Dorinda Stevens comes in rather late in the story and adds a much-needed touch of gravitas, but she seems to have stepped in from a serious film and joined the wrong cast of characters; this was her last feature film, so maybe she got smart. Eric Pohlmann, omnipresent in those days as a heavy, sweats and grunts here as he garottes people, never taking off his hat and trenchcoat. (Honestly, it would be more polite when murdering someone at least to take off your hat!) There is a kind of story, not much of one, but it mostly takes place on a night train to Paris (good shots of how the coaches were transferred to the ferry to Dunquerque at Dover), and there is a rather wrinkled packet containing a computer tape which gets passed around rather at random, looking increasingly as if the prop department had no budget at all. Somehow governments will rise or fall if this tape does not get to Paris, but no one seems really to believe that, and although people get killed, it is clear that they are risking their lives not for la Gloire but for the box office. At this time, films could still be made in black and white without being guaranteed box office failure as long as there were some murders. How long ago this all seems: the streets of London are empty, the train platforms are empty, there was nobody there, no waves of immigrants, no over-population, and ‘fun’ was simply bopping up and down with confetti in a train carriage for New Year’s Eve, with alcohol being the strongest thing to take. Oh yes, Edina Ronay is in the film, very pouty lips, luxuriant hair, good figure, exuding sex appeal and a cheeky personality. Well, there are worse ways to while away a rainy afternoon. as long as your teeth are tightly clenched and you brace yourself to endure 1964 again (or for those who did not endure it, experience it for the first time in all its incredible banality).