Two Front Teeth (2006)

I am just lucky there were only about four people besides me and my friends – this movie kept me laughing so hysterically (with those startled whoops that are so embarrassing later) that I am surprised someone didn’t try to stick a spoon in my mouth or offer me a Valium.

The premise – Gabriel Snow is a man with a phobia of Santa Claus, but who works for “The Xmas Files” a tabloid devoted to all things weird about the holidays. He discovers his wife Noelle is cheating on him with a mall Santa (since GABE obviously won’t wear the beard for her) on the same night that he finds himself hunted by an evil vampiric Santa and a bunch of creepy elves (who look like a cross between Gollum and Catwoman – ugly creeps in stitched together leather).

They seek help of a … Well, an African American gunslinger type who lives in a trailer and wears an Australian duster and sixguns. Um. Later, these combat nuns with a vow of silence (and, presumably a vow of violence) show up, calling themselves the Silent Knights.

And the movie ends with a Santa on Santa martial arts scene like none ever seen before. Can you even picture a guy in full Santa gear doing the classic karate kid crane pose? If it weren’t for the hilarious dialog, the movie would be just another cheesy horror movie take-off, and if it weren’t for the perfect actors, it would have been just another “hey look my friends can recite lines!” film.

Surprisingly, it has all the right elements in the right places. The dialog and sight gags continually catch you off guard and crack you up, and the actors – Gabriel, with incredible facial mobility and a complete lack of any vestige of macho; Noelle with more balls then hang on her Christmas tree; and Pete the gunslinger with his gritty revelations about the true meaning of Xmas, but who can still naively exclaim “What? Wrassling is fake?”

And – god help us all – there’s this awesome and awful flashback sequence done in the style of cheap Christmas cartoons, complete with flaming corpses and bloody spatter.

You just have to see it. And watch through the credits. Trust me.