Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Ten years ago, I would have instantly and blindly considered this to be a great film purely based on the title and awesome DVD-cover. In the meanwhile, however, I struggled myself through enough bad movies to know what a film like “Hard Rock Zombies” really stand for: multiple overlong interludes in which horrible songs are played from start to finish, a non-existent storyline build around an untalented band and of course a complete absence of atmosphere, tension or black comedy. The horrible rock band (that is so not HARD-rock they’re playing) of which I can’t even remember the name arrives in a little town that disapproves of music. Yes, this is somewhat of a horror parody on “Footloose” only not that funny or memorable. Instead of a puritan reverend, the band members in this town are up against demented characters like a werewolf grandmother in a wheelchair, evil midgets and the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler himself. The band losers get killed but return from the death even stupider looking than before and take their revenge. Even if you can get past the shameless Nazi propaganda footage and the totally random “Psycho” imitations, “Hard Rock Zombies” is still a dreadfully dumb and boring movie! There’s an endless amount of padding, not only through lame music but also through dialog sequences that are purposelessly stretched. There’s a gore, but of the lamest kind and the jokes aren’t even funny when you’re drunk or stoned. There’s a scene, for example, in which one brainiac states: “Ghouls don’t like head, so they’ll let us escape”. What? Next thing you see is literally people walking past the ghouls whilst holding pictures of giant heads. There’s no way I can be intoxicated enough for humor like this. I do reward this retarded film with one whole point extra for the self-devouring midget. That was quite cool.