Slice and Dice Action Hero

Up until very recently you could catch plastic surgery on parade simply by tuning into Desperate Housewives each week.

But now that Wisteria Lane’s closed for good, that doesn’t mean there aren’t any other cosmetically tweaked ensembles on display in all their (not-so-subtly) altered states.

To get your Botox fix, simply head on over to your local megaplex, where the cast of The Expendables 2 offers ample proof that growing old gracefully is for wimps.

Stallone? Please. Those eyebrows have been lifted more times than the weights in his home gym.

Schwarzenegger? Hello? While Ahnuld recently assured USA Today that “this was the real thing” while pointing to his 65-year-old mug, ask any reputable Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon and they’ll rattle off a laundry list of procedures Schwarzenegger’s undergone since the ’80s, including a refined jawline, face and neck lifts in addition to various injectables.

Chuck Norris? Either a facelift or upper and lower blepharoplasty (surgical eyelid modification) or both.

Van Damme? Lundgren? Willis? They’ve all most likely gone through less invasive procedures along the lines (in order to smooth out the lines) of fillers like Botox and Restylane, laser resurfacing or chemical peels.

Depending on how you look at it, even more than the first Expendables movie, the production serves as a persuasive argument against men of a certain age desperately trying to turn back the hands of time.

It’s not like we’re talking some sort of romance where any of the cast members in question are trying to look more convincingly like an object of affection in the eyes of an ingénue 40 years their junior.

This is a cheesy, unapologetically B-grade action movie for crying out loud.

Back when The Dirty Dozen hit theatres 45 years ago, do you think Ernest Borgnine, Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, George Kennedy and Telly Savalas had a little something-something done before facing the cameras?

Just something to ponder while awaiting the inevitable arrival of The Expendables 3.

Wonder if the cast for that one will include Kenny Rogers, Gene Simmons and Bruce Jenner?