A Monster Of An Interview

An Interview with Gila by Robert Hood:

RH: Welcome once again to the Backbrain, Gila. How’s it feel now that the film’s in the can and has even premiered.

Gila: Feels great! I got a bigger hole in the ground than I useta have — and a holiday hideaway at Malibu that I bought the other day in anticipation of the profits…

RH: Well, that’s wonderful. But I guess what everyone wants to know right now is —

Gila: Did I mention my Malibu condohole is right next door to Godzilla’s radioactive slag-heap?

RH: Um, no, you didn’t. That’s exciting. He’s a big celebrity.

Gila: Big celebrity! The guy’s a loser! King of the Monsters, my ass. He’s gettin’ all high-’n’-mighty and we’re still waitin’ on his new movie to make any sort of noise at all.

RH: Comes out in 2014, they say. It’ll be a big theatrical release. Huge.

Gila: Pah! My giant monster buddies willa gone on our scheduled ‘pocalyptic rampage by then and there won’t be no cinemas left standing.

RH: Rampage? Really? Which buddies are these?

Gila: Oh, you know — Hostie from Korea’s takin’ another shot at it, Fin Fang Foom from China’s makin’ a comeback (or so he reckons), an Old One you mighta heard about — Cthulhu, the Eater of Men’s Faces or somethin’ — he’s heard the Call again — and … Hey, you’re not gonna publish any of this, are ya? This is all off the record.

RH: No, no. Confidentiality’s my middle name.

Gila: Better be. Don’t want the authorities to hear about it. They take a dim view of ‘pocalyptic rampages.

RH: Getting back to the point of this interview, the producers are trying to get your new film onto the SyFy Channel for Christmas. You excited about that?

Gila: Sure. Christmas. Perfect time.

RH: Why’s that?

Gila: I wanna do my bit ta destroy human civilisation and everyone’s in a relaxed sorta mood in the aftermath of the pressies and roast lunches and lollies and shit. Get ‘em while they’re weak an’ susceptible, I always say.

RH: The film’s going to destroy human civilisation, is it? I thought it was a good movie.

Gila: It is! Bloody damn good. [He leans close. I gag from a wave of lizard breath] But there’s these secret messages hidden deep in the subtext. Has ta do with hypnotism and subliminal commands — crap like that. Cthulhu’s an expert at infestin’ scripts with coding that’ll prepare you puny humans for the Time of Destruction. All parta the Plan.

RH: The apocalyptic rampage plan?

Gila: That’s the one. [He frowns. It looks real weird on a lizard.] Hey, ya can’t publish anythin’ about the Plan.

RH: No worries. Listen, ah, I have to go now. There’s a couple of guys from the military I have to talk to.

Gila: Geez, that was a quick interview.

RH: Yeah, sorry. Anyway, good luck with the campaign to get Gila! on SyFy. I’m sure my readers’ll be right behind it.

Gila: I hope so. Mebbe we can do another interview next year — no, no. That’s no good. The whole world’ll be a smoking ruin by then. You happy with interviewin’ me in the wreckage of ya house?

RH: What? Wreckage? Um, sure. Pleased to do it. I’ve got to go now.

[I run to the car, jump in and take off down the road. I half expect him to chase me, but when I look back he’s busy eating a huge vat of burritos…]