This one must have been created by the exploitation gods (actually it was created by Jim Wynorski, but that’s as close as we come these days). It’s got it all: a plot stolen from ENTER THE DRAGON, violence, ninjas, breasts, blood, skinless geeks, bad humor, chicks in cages, bimbo mud wrestling, shower scenes… and all in the course of 90 minutes!!! Talk about brilliant!
Deftly directed by Wynorski, THE LOST EMPIRE is one of the most pointlessly enjoyable films I’ve seen in quite some time. And it had to be good since the other tape I rented was unwatchable (literally) and I was not in a happy mood. Luckily, Wynorski delivered the goods and all was right in Exploitationland.
The flick opens with an awe-inspiring pre-credit sequence that rivals any of the recent Bond flicks…except on 1/100th the budget. We’re talkin’ giant breasts a- flyin’, chop sockey, throwin’ stars and generous amounts of bloodshed as gook salesmen, ninjas and cops get offed left and right. Seems the ninjas were after one of the Eyes of Avatar…a jewel which gives its possessor unlimited power.
Because her brother passes to the beyond in one of the most unbelievable deathbed scenes in movie history (one piece of advice Jim…stay away from the realism), Police Inspector Angel Wolfe decides to investigate. You know she must be the star since she’s the only female that doesn’t get naked. She recruits some sort of Indian spirit with huge tracts of land, plus a gum-chewing little honey from behind bars. Together, the three set out to the island of Dr. Sin Do for a competition to decide who is best fit to remain by the good doctor’s side for all eternity! (Does any of this sound familiar?)
The remainder of the flick is spent watching bikini-clad hopefuls jiggle ’round the cardboard sets in “tests of skill” such as running between traffic cones and lifelessly taking swings at each other with bamboo sticks. Eventually all hell breaks loose and there’s the inevitable confrontation between good and evil.
Incredibly enjoyable film. And, by the way, Dr. Sin Do is portrayed by none other than Angus “The Tall Man” Scrimm of PHANTASM fame.
