The Creeping Terror

This 74-minute stink bomb is produced and directed by A.J. Nelson, alias Vic Savage, who also stars in the lead role.

Savage plays Martin Gordon, a deputy in Angel County, Calif., which is nonexistent, just like we wish this movie was nonexistent.

Gordon finds a crashed space craft that contains a sluglike creature that has devoured a forest ranger who went inside the craft to investigate. When the sheriff arrives he, too — this always happens — goes inside and gets eaten.

The slug escapes and comes across a young couple necking in the woods. Spotting it, the guy takes off like a gazelle, leaving the woman on the blanket to get swallowed whole. (This ends the actresses role in this film and maybe saves her career.)

The slug now goes on a rampage, which may be the wrong word because the thing moves slower than Congress on immigration reform.

When the creature invades a social hall where people are dancing to filmdom’s most annoying song, it wipes them out (along with the band, I hope) because no one tries to escape. And trust me, escaping would not have been difficult. Running in any random direction would’ve worked.

Did I say run? They could’ve walked away on their hands and still escaped. Instead, they all sauntered into a corner where they were converted into slug nuggets.

The slug next attacked couples necking in cars. (Considering how slow it moves, all these places must’ve been within 50 yards of the UFO crash site.)

People try to drive away but (Surprise!) their cars won’t start. Rather than get out and flee, they just scream until they enter the slug’s digestive system.

By now, it’s obvious that Angel County houses all of California’s stupid people.

Meanwhile, our deputy/hero, has called in a scientist, Dr. Bradford, while the Army dispatches Col. Caldwell, along with a squad of soldiers who are so dumb you just know they were all recruited in Angel County. They shoot the slug over and over without effect, then obligingly fall in front of it in an easy-to-swallow heap.

The slug is finally killed by a hand grenade. Then Bradford inexplicably goes back inside the space ship. There he finds a backup slug guarding a computer so old it deals in digital smoke signals. He leaves the ship but is fatally injured by the slug, which Martin hits with his car, converting it into road kill.

Before Bradford dies, he tells Martin that he must destroy the computer before it can send the slugs’ data back to the home planet, possibly telling them how tasty, and stupid, we humans are. But the computer resists Martin’s lame attempts, and the message is sent.

What does that mean for Earth? We’ll never know because, thankfully, no sequel was ever made.

We’ll also never know exactly what the cast talked about during this crisis because this film has very little dialogue. The story is told mostly by a narrator, documentary style. It’s the only movie ever made where the script fit on two sides of a 5-by-7 index card.

Even when the actors seem to be conversing intently, we have only the narrator’s word about what’s being said.

That’s probably because the cast is actually saying, “How’d we ever get roped into this lousy movie?”

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