Dolph Lundgren, Robots, Zombies: Do you really need more?

Suck it, Sharknado! We thought you had brought together the greatest confluence of B-movie cliches known to man. Well, you lose to this Battle of the Damned trailer. And, as a bonus, it is not too shabby looking.We are in all the way. Yes, we could give you a breakdown of the plot and all that, but it would be pointless. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t watch this movie.

Somewhere in SE Asia a contagious virus escapes from a research facility into a populated city. There is a military blockade. No one is allowed in or out, infected or not. So a Mitt Romney look-a-like hires major Max Gatlin (Dolph Lungren) to breech the blockade and brave the zombies to get his daughter.

One second later, we see Max and his crew in the afflicted city dressed in outfits that would make any sport biker enthusiast proud. The zombies are ravenous, fast, and ferocious. Like maybe you would be if you arrived at your favorite fast food take-out restaurant 5 minutes before closing time. According to a guy in the movie who worked in a lab before the outbreak, they are not really zombies (“The infection invades the cerebrum and kills the higher cortical functions”). I’m guessing this is the more evolved area of the brain responsible for smartness and civility (higher thought, cognitive awareness). –Ergo, those crazy flesh eating people running around in ratty clothing are just dumb and uncivil. NOT the undead at all. Maybe he’s right since in this movie you can kill these faux zombies by stabbing, slashing, and shooting them anywhere.

Eventually Max finds the girl of his mission “Jude” (played by cutie Melanie Zanetti) but finds out she’s not alone. She is a member of a group of survivors (3 women and 3 men). Their leader, an older gentleman with grey mustache and goatee, acts like a father figure or cult leader using the old stratagem of JUST WANTING TO PROTECT THEM to facilitate his control over them. He doesn’t want to leave the place he’s hold up in. Says there is no way to get out safely. I can’t blame him. Reader, the guy is hold up in a MANSION; smokes pilfered expensive cigars, and is clearly boffing the simple-minded blonde chick in the group. Why would he want to leave? With the zombies running around outside he’s “king” on the inside. The fact that Max came for Jude -and only her- is problematical since the group members would like to leave as well -save their leader who doesn’t want any of them to.

The action in this movie was a combination of machine guns, knives, and martial arts which I did not find particularly riveting. Dolph looks a little wobbly in the legs when he runs (or tries to run) –or even walk fast. Reminds me of someone’s grandpa. Some zombie killing robots were thrown into the mix later on in the movie. I was at times frustrated (and bored) by the hand-to-hand fight scenes of man vs zombie and robot vs zombie because the cameras were in too tight so you mostly saw “body parts”. An arm here, a leg there, a hip here, etc. This is an annoying trend in many action movies. Someone or something gets served but you really don’t get to see HOW because of the close-ups and quick cut-aways. All you get is the “illusion” effective fighting techniques.

As I said earlier, patient Reader (I have to call you that if you’re still with me), the zombies or “zombie-wannabes”, if you prefer, are of the fast variety. They run so fast it makes you wanna hand out track suits. Steep stairs are a breeze for them to scramble up. And they can run and tackle you like a pro footballer. Curious though that when they were confronted with a gate that was only about a foot taller than them the gung-ho athleticism they earlier demonstrated was (conveniently?) forgotten. They reverted to the old-style zombies and just stood there hungry, angry, and perplexed grasping thru the bars. Braaains? No. Love, Boloxxxi.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mzKAHqQAYU