Barbarian Queen (1985)

Most barbarian flicks are ONLY as good as their damsels in distress, or if you’re REAL lucky, their damsels who INFLICT distress. This Argentina-lensed epic boasts BOTH and sets its tone right off when a blonde waif (Dawn Dunlap), absently picking flowers along a river, is attacked by a pair of, um, barbarians who howl something while dropping trou like, “Nothing like a VIRGIN to brighten a man’s morning!” Clearly, it’s a family picture. While back at the village, the victim’s big sis Amethea (Lana Clarkson) is indulging in a ceremonial bath with her closest gal pals in honor of her wedding day. But this preening party ends when hordes of snarling troops overrun the village slashing at the throats and limbs of everyone in sight. Amethea narrowly survives and vows vengeance against this savagery and to reunite with her beefy beau’s loins (Frank Zagarino).

A whole lot happens afterward, yet none is as memorable as when the can-tastic Ms. Clarkson is strapped topless on a rack in a damp dungeon where escape would surely be impossible if not for the raw might of her vice-grip — gulp! — VAGINA! Dr. Kegel would be proud. CineSchlockers should note that both Lana and her rack returned for the non-sequel sequel Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back. 31 breasts. 67 corpses. Nipple painting. Acid-washed horndog. Gratuitous blind fortune teller. Face biting. Amethea brazenly declares her quest, “I’ll be no man’s slave and no man’s whore! And if I can’t kill them all, by the gods, they’ll know I’ve tried!”