Last week, fuelled by the prospect of watching a real film called Zombeavers, we set you an impossible task. Could you, an average layperson, come up with a B-movie title even better than that? You didn’t let us down. In total, we received over 600 entries. Well done, everyone.

Obviously, not all of them were great. About a third of them were slightly lazy Snakes on a Plane rip-offs (including but not limited to Goat on a Boat, Lambs on a Tram and Komodo Dragons on a Funicular Railway). Then, in true Guardian comment section fashion, there was also a smattering of borderline-incomprehensible political screeds shoehorned into catastrophic anti-puns, such as The Bourne Liar (starring Barack Obama), Attack of the Farrage and Cleggiband: Return of the Economy Killers. And then there were those that actually had promise. I now present the best five, along with the plots I think they deserve. If these are yours, congratulations. You win nothing.
Bearacuda! (as suggested by naughtyorator)

Realistically, what let Sharktopus down was the fact that both sharks and octopuses are limited to water. Not so here. Bearacuda – the half-bear/half-fish result of a failed Russian experiment – can roam both land and sea, taking out scores of bikini-wearing minor actresses wherever they happen to be. Acclaimed sexy scientist Debbie Gibson leads a ragtag army of volunteers, equipped with harpoons and pots of honey, in a desperate effort to subdue Bearacuda before it kills again. Even though, in retrospect, she could have just waited until winter and stabbed it to death in its sleep.
The ExorShihTzu (as suggested by badcompany)

There’s a case for making The ExorShihTzu a film about a dog who gets possessed. But wouldn’t it be so much better to make the priests dogs instead? The Jason Miller priest could be a puppy, and the Max von Sydow priest could be an older, more experienced dog. In fact, why not just re-release The Exorcist, but with those actors digitally erased and replaced with a couple of dogs? One of them could be voiced by Bruce Willis. It’d be fun.
Tiramisunami (as suggested by Blufog)

My favourite suggestion of all. Imagine – a Roland Emmerich-style disaster movie, but shot on a shoestring, starring a bunch of forgotten popstars from the 1980s and exclusively about pudding. A Russian experiment to drive Italy out of the cake business goes horribly awry, sending a 500ft shockwave of mascarpone and ladyfingers hurtling around the globe. After Micronesia is wiped off the face of the Earth entirely, acclaimed sexy scientist Shannen Doherty unveils her ambitious plans to build the world’s biggest spoon before the tiramisunami hits the eastern seaboard and makes a horrible sloppy mess out of the Statue of Liberty.
Vole-cano (as suggested by ID1300995)

Acclaimed sexy scientist Tara Reid has trouble convincing the UN of her latest theory – that science was wrong all along and that the Earth’s core is actually packed with voles – until a fissure opens in Toronto and sprays everyone with boiling hot voles. The president suggests blocking the hole with a big cork, but Reid knows better than this. This is why, backed by a ragtag gang of volunteers, she embarks on a life-or-death mission to the centre of the Earth to reason with the malevolent Vole King (voiced by Screech from Saved by the Bell).
We Fought a Zoo (as suggested by Stevenjameshyde)

Catastrophe. A failed Russian experiment has somehow unlocked all the cages of whichever zoo is nearest to the middle of Toronto, and now the animals have their minds set on bloody revenge. The mayor wants to use machine guns, but those no-good environmentalists won’t stop protesting. Meanwhile, retired heavyweight champion Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on the brink of alcoholic suicide when he receives a mysterious text message – would he be willing to try and punch six tigers and an elephant unconscious with his bare hands and become a hero in the process? Note: for budgetary reasons, the action will be limited to one scene of Carlton kicking a furry snood into a well.