The Monstrously Bad Guys

Tonight is Halloween. Tonight what you won’t see are kids dressed as any of the following movie evil-doers because, to be blunt, kids are far too smart to want to be any of them. In fact, just the thought that someone was paid to A) come up with these villains and B) that someone else invested money in a movie about it/them, is enough to prompt us to drown our tears in huge handfuls of candy corn.

The Gingerdead Man: Bad guy executed, cremated, ashes mixed with gingerbread dough – we’re sure it happens all the time – and he comes back as a pyschopathic baked good. Brilliant!

Mansquito: He’s half-man! He’s half-mosquito! He more than half-sucks!

Killer tomatoes: We’ve had some killer pizza in the past, not to mention some dairy that came back on us during the night, but man-eating tomatoes (and yes, we know it was played for laughs, which we appreciate)?

Half-man, half-poultry, all-stoner: To make a bad story short, guy smokes marijuana, eats chemically infused turkey and winds up with a turkey head where his noggin used to be. Hey, it could happen.

Big bunnies: Bunny rabbits (“Night of the Lepus”) do not inspire fear, unless it’s the rabbit in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Or Bugs Bunny, if you’re Yosemite Sam.

Ro-man: A guy in a gorilla suit wearing a space helmet. As SCTV’s Count Floyd would say: “Oooh…scary!”

Octaman: Part-man, part-octopus – we definitely don’t want to know which was which parent – at least he has eight arms (we assume) to hold his loved ones.

Killer condom: The less we say about this, the better.

Inanimate baddies

The killer elevator in “The Lift.” Get in, but don’t bother pushing a button, because you’re going to (heck).

The killer bed in “Death Bed.” The only sleep you’ll be getting is a dirt nap, if you get our drift. Or maybe we should have said the only shuteye you’ll be getting is the big sleep. You decide.

The killer laundry folding machine in “The Mangler.” And to make it even scarier, there’s always too much starch in your shorts.