Blood Glacier (2013)

Really, how many movies feature ibexes, let alone a mutant ibex-fly that gets a drill in the noggin by a feisty granny? This may entice you to watch “Blood Glacier” next time you see it in the Netflix lineup of terrible, terrible horror/scifi movies. If you dimly remember having heard about this Alpine tale of terror, it’s worth a six-pack and a bag of chips.

While beautifully photographed, offering amazing views of bleak ice and mountains, this movie hasn’t got a clue what it wants to do. Convince you of global warming? Scare you with mutant hybrid creatures that look like stuffed animals you’d win at a carnival? Tear your heart out with thwarted love and dog death? Make you laugh uproariously at the absolutely insane behavior of “smart” scientists? Teach you not to cry while eating bananas? BG is all this, and more.

Throw these movies into a blender: The Thing, Alien, Day of the Animals, Old Yeller, Sound of Music, and that moldy oldie from the 50s, Night of the Blood Beast (the very first movie to speculate that humans make great hosts for birthing alien infants). Turn on blender. Wait about 80 minutes. Pour out your scifi smoothie and wonder how this ever got made. Take a drink of your liquid every time someone says “rabid fox”, which in German sounds like “rabbit fuxes”. Tack on one of the strangest endings you’ll ever see and wonder if someone slipped LSD into your movie smoothie. No kidding.

Pray there’s no sequel. Four stars for insanity. One star for Tinni, the best goshdarn dog actor in the world. One star, because ibexes. Six is the magic number for this smelly sausage of a movie that features someone walking around a glacier in dirty underpants.